Love’s laws of nature
Love has three laws of nature and if these are
not respected, one can forget about being loved.
1. Love must be shown! Why?
How else could others know and feel that they are loved? How
could love be returned if you keep it for yourself?
But how do you show love? Let us begin with our children. Through
physical contact! Through touching them, taking them on the lap, caressing them,
comforting them, praising them… Nature’s language of love, and the only one that children understand,
is just that: body contact! Toys and computer games are only replacements that
the child gladly accepts, but without connecting them with love.
Some think that they are good parents only because their children
are well dressed and fed and that they give them a good education (and keep the
children’s room full of toys). This is merely the material side and only
half of the parent’s duty, and it is for the body. The other half, the one
missing, is nearness and physical contact. That is for the soul. In therapeutic
regressions, I often experience how the client was physically well fed as a child
but starved in the soul… and that sets traces for life!
It is, of course, hard to show love when it wasn’t shown to you
as a child. But it can be done! And then one has made a big progress as a human
being! Those who repeat the mistakes of their parents have not come very far…
A partnership relation (married or not) also needs physical
contact! Among other things, loving sexuality also belongs with it. If it
is left out, is it still a partnership, or merely two sharing a place to live?
See below.
Friends can also give each other a reasonable amount of body
contact. In most of middle and southern Europe and several other cultures it is
considered normal to kiss a woman on the cheeks when meeting privately and to
give a friend a brief hug (some might be prejudiced to see that as a homosexual
approach, which it is normally not meant to be). Some cultures and circles, however, have problems
with that, which is regrettable.
2. Love needs nutrition to survive!
Why?
It gets nutrition through exchange of love energy with others. If
it flows mainly in one direction and little returns, it can wither and die like
a plant that gets no water.
Only spiritually developed persons can love in spite of that, even though a
partnership relation may fail for that reason. The most destructive form is the
so called “possessive love” that is no love at all, but mere selfishness and
often a fear to lose someone, which one will certainly do that way. There is
hardly a better way to kill love than to be possessive! Love needs sufficient
free space and freedom to thrive. If it becomes too narrow around, it
suffocates.
3. You don’t get more love than you give!
Why?
See above! It may work for a limited time but not in the long
run. Who gives little, gets little. Who gives no love has to be without it and
may die lonely and bitter. The only way to be loved is to give love. People like to
say that love has no price, but in a certain way it does: the price is your
(shown!) love.
In normal cases, shown love is returned. If not, the reason will
be immaturity and being self-restrained of the other person, and then one will
find
love somewhere else!
How can anyone be so narrow-minded to believe that one can get
what one doesn’t give oneself?
Many don’t dare to take the first step – and they may have to wait for another
incarnation to really experience love… It always pays to take the first step.
Either nothing is returned, and then you are free from an illusion and can
instead find love where it really is. Or you get the love back that you may
otherwise never
have had.
The psychology of sexuality
Sexuality has an important function in a partnership relation as
an especially intimate form of physical contact. It has the following more or
less unconscious psychological rules:
For the woman: “If you don’t love me, I
can’t have sex with you.”
For the man: “If you don’t have sex with
me, I can’t love you.”
Here some couples run into a vicious circle… The man has to
understand that the woman needs to first feel loved through having it showed to
her (and not just before he wants to go to bed with her, because it doesn’t work
that easily!). The woman needs to understand that a man never feels more loved
than when his woman enjoys sex with him. If a couple has got into a vicious
circle here, they need to meet half way.
This is, of course, more or less pronounced – for some more, for
others less. In a same-sex relationship it will be accordingly, since usually
one is more feminine and the other more masculine. There are, of course, women who
enjoy sex even if they never meet the other person again and it wasn’t real
love. Regrettably, many men mainly seek physical satisfaction without letting
love be much of a part of it, but they don’t know what they miss, since loving
sexuality is so much more. (Some also seek confirmation of a self-confidence
they in that case obviously don’t have.)
Our media society enhances sexuality by all
means, not the least through subliminal messages. Advertisements, for example,
very often contain something that unconsciously stimulates sexually in order to
make you buy something. In some manner, sexuality has become a kind of
replacement for love! A substitute for what love really is and not as
one of the high points of love. This is most regrettable... And it hasn’t become
better through efforts of various religions to drag sexuality in the dirt, as if
it would be a big sin! (I understand the latter as
psychological tactics for making us feel as sinners and become easier to
manipulate by a religious mafia.)
Further comments
There are those who seek a “perfect” partner that doesn’t exist.
It is, instead, a matter of being able to accept him or her with all flaws that
he or she has, since one will certainly not have less oneself! The “flaws” that
disturb us most with the partner are those that we have ourselves but don’t want
to admit. Other “flaws” disturb us much less. Some hope to be able to “change”
the partner, and when one tries, the relationship begins to deteriorate. One can
only change oneself! Here, too, it is a matter of daring to take the
first step and one may then hope that the partner will follow the example. Shown
love (and understanding) can help him or her to begin to change himself
(or herself), but never a demanding attitude.
Dominance can also be destructive. “You must
do so... and not so...” with an undertone of “I know what is best for you” is
something no one can support in the long run. Also not “You should (have)...”.
You can usually not really know what is the best for your partner, but only what would
be better for yourself that the he or she does. And to say it that way
rather creates resistance. What would then be better
for the partner that you do?
Equality in value is necessary. Regrettably,
many patriarchally infected men have an (at least unconscious) attitude, as if
women would be worth less, which is destructive in a partnership. It is equally
destructive when a woman (at least unconsciously) makes men feel that they would
be worth less. Regrettably, this is often connected with cultural prejudice and
medieval mentality. Such partnerships will not have good chances for the future.
In an interesting regression I did with a
psychiatrist many years ago, this person got the following message from the
higher self (repeated in my words from memory): “Men who were to little loved by
their mothers have like a harder shell and easier fall victims to seductive
women.” This has in several cases been confirmed as one reason (among other!)
why some persons (mainly men) repeatedly are unfaithful. They unconsciously seek
the body contact with the mother that they didn’t have (or maybe with the father
in cases of women)! They don’t find it with the partner and then seek it with
others. They don’t find it there, either, because none of them is the mother and
they are not conscious of what they are really seeking... So they continue to
seek in vain. In one case that I had recently, the problem of feeling attracted
to other women, and with that of the distrust of his wife, was solved through
clarifying this in the regression.
Many men (and some women) have in their
childhood unconsciously begun to believe that they must first achieve something
before they can get love. The believe (still, unconsciously) that they would
otherwise not deserve to be loved. They sought love and nearness from the
parents and were given something that seemed to be love after an achievement
(but it wasn’t real love, because that doesn’t require any achievement!). They
grow up and marry, but all the time strive for more achievement and career in
the job, in business, in science, etc., because “otherwise I don’t deserve the
love of my wife” (as always, of course, unconsciously). They could become
workaholics. The relationship then often fails, because one doesn’t enough there
for the partner, since one has too little time for that...
Unconscious affirmative patterns in partnership
relations
One example. A woman has a husband who is
repeatedly unfaithful. She divorces and remarries. The new husband with time
turns out to be unfaithful, too. She (at least unconsciously) is afraid of
getting such a husband, maybe since she in her childhood had such a father and
witnessed repeated conflicts about this between the parents. Or maybe since her
first relationship and she became afraid that it would happen to her again. Fear
attracts the danger. It then is as if the person is unconsciously fixated to men
who are potentially unfaithful and, therefore, finds another one like that. They
don’t “see” all those who are very unlikely to become unfaithful and just pass
them by. The soul sees what the eyes cannot see...
One may ask why it is obviously so easy for men
to find an extramarital relationship. Why are so many women open for that?
Because they don’t want to bind themselves, and the married man is already
bound. In that manner they can have a relationship and still feel free... They
are probably unconsciously afraid of binding themselves and then unconsciously
seek a partner (as stated above: the soul sees more than the eyes...) only to
some time later find out that he is married.
Another example. A woman has a husband who
becomes an alcoholic. She divorces and remarries. After a few years, the new
husband also begins to drink too much. The same thing here for a similar reason.
Or a man has a wife who is more interested in
his credit card than his love (and believes that love is getting anything
material that you wish). He divorces and remarries. Later on he experiences the
same with the other wife.
There is in such cases a tendency for
generalization to all men or women, and thus unconsciously seeking
confirmation. In the first case on says to oneself (of course
still more or less
unconsciously) that all men are unfaithful. One doesn’t believe that
faithful men exist. And when it happens (again), on unconsciously says to
oneself: “I knew that. Men are that way!” – and one has unconsciously
confirmed oneself to be right and reinforced that belief, so that it happens
still more easily next time... It becomes like a vicious circle. In the last
example: “I knew that. Women can’t love, they only want money.”
The cause can also be in a past life. Here,
karma may play a role. In that case one may to day have to experience what it is
like to have a partner of a kind that one was oneself as a partner, in another
life. It may also happen that the two in a past life were, e.g., enemies and to
day are together to reconcile on the soul level (which then is also
unconscious). That is, after all, how karma works...
The possessive mother
The answer is that she (at least
unconsciously) sees her child as an investment for when she gets old.
Because she has “done everything” for her child and now expects that the child
will do everything for her when she is old. It should, therefore, do without an
own family, because it would otherwise be as if she would loose her
“investment”. But has she really done everything? Materially probably:
yes. But not for the soul of the child! She didn’t give it real nearness
and love and, therefore, has no right for such a demand! If one can talk about
right in this respect, it is forfeited by her not giving her child true love.
Maybe she actually didn’t love her child, because she had to renounce (that is
how she feels about it) many things in life for it – studies, career, or she had
to marry a man she didn’t really want. The child wasn’t welcome, but it did
come, and now she unconsciously seeks revenge and punishment… At least in her
unconscious self she says: “After all that I had to renounce because of you, you
will now have to care for me when I get old.” Here the son or daughter has to
take the courage to say NO! To keep her out of the own family and let the
partner be more important than the mother, who in this case doesn’t deserve
more. The mother then tries to make her child have feelings of guilt, but one
should not play that game with her, since this is mere tactics.
Of course not all mothers are like that! But
they then have children in less need for therapy, who have other things to deal
with in regressions.
A truly loving mother acts
differently. She has given her child true nearness and love and is now glad to
let it have an own family, because that way she has one child more: the
daughter- or son-in-law. She enjoys seeing their family life but stays back
enough to not interfere in their relationship. She will certainly not loose her
son or daughter, who in this case really loves her, too, and likes to visit and
invite her. Thus she has full attention, when old, and is not left alone. This
attention is real and not forced and that mother deserves it.
In one case that I had it was quite
extreme. Of course, no man was good enough for the daughter and when she wanted
to go on holidays with a man, the mother always became sick, so that she “had
to” stay home! Such a cruel game had to find an end, of course, in that the
daughter found her own apartment and now could say NO! And make herself free
from feelings of guilt that the mother wanted to give her. That is what we in
such cases strive for in regressions.
When the mother has a few children,
it is not rare that one of them should take on the role to care for her
when she gets old. The others may marry and have families and are, of course,
satisfied that they are free from a “responsibility” and supports the mother in
giving it to the chosen child, and themselves thus egoistically takes part in
the egoistic game of the mother.
The escape marriage
The worst case is when a woman has
herself made pregnant to force a man to marry her. Even though it isn’t
conscious for him, the man knows in his unconscious self that he is betrayed,
and it will probably not end well. The very worst (and stupid) case is when she
makes him believe that the child is his, but it isn’t. That is also something he
knows in his unconscious self, and it poisons the marriage. Furthermore, the
innocent child will probably suffer from it.
My advice to young people…
o Never marry without love.
o Never
get involved in unprotected sex, unless both want a child.
o It is better to be an unmarried
mother that to live in a horrible marriage. That is in no way a shame for the
woman, but only for those, who have old-fashioned prejudice.
o If a girl tells you that you made
her pregnant and you have good reasons to doubt it, request a DNA test. Too many
had to pay during two decades for a child that wasn’t theirs (the number of
unknown cases will not be small) … If the girl really loves you, she will
understand it, and if she is right, she has nothing to fear. But if she gets
furious, this could be suspicious and then one more reason to be cautious … (if she refuses the test, it will for
legal reasons be better to deny fatherhood as long as it isn’t proven).
o In an uncertain case, marry only
after such a test, if it is confirmative and there is love. Or you may
adopt the child as your own, which is a reasonable solution when there is love
(but, regrettably, few men would be mature enough for that).
o If you don’t marry the girl but
the child is yours: do fulfill your duties as a father and give the child
your love anyway!
o If you are
the girl and he denies fatherhood, you should demand a DNA test and not
let him get away with it (if he really is the father)! If he refuses, he just
makes himself more suspicious.
o Don’t let your parents decide
over your relationship and
keep them out of your marriage, if they don’t respect your privacy. In a
marriage, the wife comes before the mother and the husband before the father.
o To
day, you don’t have to marry to live together
(at least in less suppressive cultures)…
And no one “has” to marry to day. These times are gone.
Love for fellow men and women
This case is more common with
mothers, and that is why I write it this way. But there are also fathers who
behave correspondingly. The mother tries to more or less hinder that a son or a
daughter marries and has an own family. No girl is good enough for the son and
no boy is a “good match” for the daughter. The mother isn’t satisfied with
anyone her child meets (and judges them mainly materially without considering
love). If the son or the daughter should nevertheless marry, she becomes the
typical mother-in-law we know from novels, movies and jokes. She wants to rule
the family of the son or the daughter and takes possession of their children.
The partner comes second and the mother first. She seeks to buy the “love” of
the grandchildren with toys and sweets. This very destructive influence not
rarely ends in divorce (“I married you and not your mother!”), and then she is satisfied and she will, of course,
take still more possession of the children, because the daughter has to work, or, resp., the son should
have no more contact with the “ex” (in case the mother still maintains control
over the grandchildren, since they have the right to see the father). She talks
badly about the “ex”, often already when they are together. Why does she behave
like that?
This mainly happens to young women
and almost grown up girls. They want at any price to get out of the parent’s
home, where they only experience arguments, fights, strictness and lack of love.
They marry the first one they can get, only to get out of this and not out of
love. They don’t dare to try it without marrying, because: “How could I manage?
What should I live from?” Such a marriage begins badly and usually ends worse.
Then she is alone, anyway, maybe with a child. Boys usually have less
existential fear and don’t so easily get into such a situation.
based on multiple experience with
regression clients, where we were dealing with such things. Some (maybe
mothers...) may not like
these words, but they are well meant… for cases, in which above mentioned
problems could arise (and for a western-style liberal culture).
Above we were mainly dealing with love in a partnership relation or between
parents and children. That is where we more closely experience it – or
miss it... But love has much wider aspects. Jesus talked about it a lot, but for
the Church it is quite obviously rather a matter of love for the brothers and
sisters within the Church (and for the Church), but hardly for
anyone outside... Did Jesus teach us that? Not at all! Jesus probably didn’t
want a Church, but a community. He told us that we are all brothers and
sisters in the creation, without any exception! Irrespective of color, origin,
nationality. culture, religion, sexual preference, and so on. There is no single
person on this planet (and actually also not among extraterrestrials) who isn’t
our brother or sister. We are all created together (but possibly not
simultaneously). Not or bodies, but our souls. We may be standing on different
steps on the staircase of spiritual development, but that in no way means that
the one is worth more or less than the other. The aim for the spiritual
development in the soul-school of reincarnation is that we finally understand
and live that! Only then have we reached the most important condition for
not having to reincarnate again... Another condition (there may be more) is that
we have achieved all reconciliations needed and there is no soul left, with
which we still have to reconcile (cf. above; the one we love, we may meet
again, but the one we hate, we have to meet again). One effective lesson
in that school is to next time be born as a person of the kind you despise to
day (e.g., colored or whatever), or in a country you have prejudice about to day
or maybe even regard as an enemy country. It is not rare that a soldier who dies
in a war is born again on the other side of the front. Women who despise men and
men who despise women can expect to change sex for the next life. Indeed, we
become ourselves what we to day discriminate, dislike or even despise! This is
an experience in regressions that keeps repeating again and again...